im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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