I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
