the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
