Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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