i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
