My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
