you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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