The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
