If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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