The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
