Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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