i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
