apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
