I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
