Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
