Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
