I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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