My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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