I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
