the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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