First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
