How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
