also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
