He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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