I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
