My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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