As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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