I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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