I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
