Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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