TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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