dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
