I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
