I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
