dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
