just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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