I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
