theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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