I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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