She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
