well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
