so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
