I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I need to stop coming to work sober
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
