we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
