3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
