just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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