I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
