Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
