evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
