ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
