Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
time to smoke my breakfast
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
