Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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