Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
